


What Isn't His

by Scummy



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Multi, Polyamory Negotiations, Threesome - F/M/M, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 13:33:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10190957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scummy/pseuds/Scummy
Summary: The sequel to 'Trying Something New' that a lot of people were wanting. Bringing it back!---He glanced around the shop, trying to cool himself as he pretended to scan for some sort of gift. The car ride was difficult. It was nice, comfortable, and she caught him up on her life while he was ‘busy’. It made him feel worse, especially when there was a long silence when he kept wanting to bring up his feelings.Feelings of wanting her in his grasp again- To wake up to her kissing his cheek and telling him to get ready for breakfast. Holding his hand through the night, letting him wrap a free arm around her…But then she’d bring up Jumin, and those feelings were quickly swept under the rug before anything could be said.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I decided to bring this back! I finally settled out a good plot-line for this story. Something I should have done when I first had the idea, but for some reason i couldn't think too far ahead for it until now.  
> I've been very very busy due to life and such, but for updates on this fic and for some more MM goodness, I also run MMScum.tumblr.com! It's a blog where I write out requests and prompts (which are currently closed), and I have a decently sized masterlist, so feel free to check it out.  
> As always, thanks for reading! If you want to leave criticisms, please be aware I'm looking for technical crits only! (Aka grammar issues, sentence structure issues, etc!) And if my characterization upsets you, you are free not to read this story! There's nothing wrong with that!

He watched the people at the café chatter and stumble about. People were sipping on to-go cups, bundling back up in their scarfs before heading out back out into the cold. Sighing a bit, Zen brought his own coffee to his lips, taking a small sip as he glanced out at the snow barely falling outside. She was late, and with every minute he felt himself get closer to declaring cold feet and running off.

                It had been about a month since he had spent any time with her. Mostly because of their last encounter- Him being naked with Jumin in the same room, and even taking it up the- ugh. He grimaced to himself. Not going to think about that in public, nope. It had taken him too long to gather up the…Courage? To see her again. Part of him knew it had to do with his embarrassment, but it was also a bit of jealousy. Jumin, once again, getting everything he wanted.

                “Zenny!”

                The familiar sing-song voice pulled his gaze away from the window, a smile already making its way to his face. She waved a bit, then started making her way over to his small table he had snagged.

                “Hey, sweetie,” God, she looked so good. A modest purple dress, black leggings, ankle boots- Wait, why wasn’t she wearing a jacket?

                “Heya! I’ve missed seeing you! What have you been up to?” She plopped down in the seat in front of him, slipping her purse under her chair. “I haven’t heard from you in a bit.”

                “Ah, yeah, sorry about that. This new show has me booked almost all the time.” He felt bad for lying, but it wasn’t far from the truth. Except the show had ended about last week. Otherwise, he had popped off the chatroom when her or Jumin came in, using rehearsal as a quick excuse.

                “Well, I’m glad I was able to snag the lead of the show for a bit!”

                “I’ll always make time for you, sweetheart.” A quick wink and he had her giggling. She was so beautiful, even with her cheeks reddened and her nose a little pink. “Anyway, what did you need?”

                “Oh, right. I need help buying gifts! Mainly for Jumin, but…actually, mainly for everyone. You’ve known them all longer than I have, so you’re going to be my inside help for this!”

                “You want to go shopping? Even in this weather?”

                She looked out the window, seeing the light dusting on the sidewalk. “It’s not so bad. If it’s too cold for you, maybe we can just try to shop online.”

                “It’s not too cold for me, I’m more worried about you.” He gestured to her bare shoulders. “Aren’t you freezing?”

                “Ah, I got hot in the car and took my jacket off, haha. I brought my own in case you actually agreed to go shopping with me.“

                She seemed to be great at planning ahead, unlike himself. He took another drink of his cooling coffee, thinking over his plans for the day.

                “Well, I didn’t have anything planned today, except maybe a quick run-“

                “Yes!” She pumped her arms a bit, switching to reach for her purse. “Let’s go!”

                Already?? He quickly followed her lead, grabbing his jacket and coffee while struggling to keep up as she headed to the car.

* * *

 

                “How about this?”

                She held up a well-made sweater with a cute design of a cat head sticking it’s tongue out.

                “He’d probably like something he could keep with him anywhere. That’s not, uh, work friendly.” Zen honestly didn’t know what the workwear was for Jumin, but he wasn’t going to have Jaehee fussing at any of them if he could help it.

                “Ooh, that’s smart. This is why I brought you along! I wouldn’t have thought to keep it work friendly.” One bright smile and compliment, and he felt his heart soar. Alternatively, he felt what he wanted to say get shoved down his throat again.

                He glanced around the shop, trying to cool himself as he pretended to scan for some sort of gift. The car ride was difficult. It was nice, comfortable, and she caught him up on her life while he was ‘busy’. It made him feel worse, especially when there was a long silence when he kept wanting to bring up his feelings.

                Feelings of wanting her in his grasp again- To wake up to her kissing his cheek and telling him to get ready for breakfast. Holding his hand through the night, letting him wrap a free arm around her…But then she’d bring up Jumin, and those feelings were quickly swept under the rug before anything could be said.

                “Oh, maybe Yoosung would like this- It’s blue like the jacket he wears,” She pulled out another sweater, with a puppy face on it this time. Was she going for a gag gift?

                “I think he’d be teased by Seven so much by that, he would end up never wearing it.”

                She pouted, putting the sweater back. “Okay, maybe clothes weren’t a good idea…”

                He stepped up beside her, wrapping an arm around her. “Hey, don’t worry too much about the presents. Yoosung would probably be happy to get some LOLOL things, and Seven would…probably just like money. Or something silly with cats.”

                Her cheeks flushed as she politely removed his arm around from her. “Could… Could you point me to something Jumin might like? That’s not a cat related thing?”

                Fuck, that’s a bit harder. He tried to ignore the sting of her escaping his hold, but Jumin being mentioned just made it worse.

                “Well… Honestly, he would probably love anything you gave him. He loves you a lot, you know?”

                “I guess that’s true. Maybe I’ll shoot for the hand-made approach instead. Buying something seems too easy.”

                Does it? He reflected on the gifts he already had bought, or was meaning to buy, and started-  
Ah, no, everyone always loved his gifts. Especially Jaehee.

                “You make things?”

                “Mhm, I’m not too great, but sometimes people like what I make,” She fixed the hangers back into place, giving the store a final look-around. “Though I think I will just get Yoosung LOLOL money.”

                She started walking to the front of the store, messing with her phone as Zen jogged up beside her. Some map was brought up on her phone, and once they got outside she stopped in her tracks, focusing on it.

                Without thinking twice, he shrugged his jacket off and draped it over her shoulders. She was making him cold when he just looked at her.

                She blushed, already about to take it off. “Zen, I’m not a kid, I’m fine.”

                “No, come on. At least walk back to the car and warm it up. Your nose is already getting pink. This is how people get sick!”

                Before she could slide it off, he slipped his arm around her back and started steering her to the car. Thankfully, she didn’t struggle and walked while focusing on the map again.

                “Where are you wanting to go?” He asked, nudging her a bit once they reached the sleek car Jumin had bought her.

                “There’s a craft store that should have the stuff I need…The map is wonky and my phone is being dumb.” She groaned, fishing the keys from her purse and quickly unlocking it.

                Acting like the gentlemen, Zen opened her door for her, smiling to himself when she didn’t fuss this time. As she settled in, he slipped in from his side, grateful when she had the mind to crank the car up. Also, thankful for the heated seats. Thank you, you rich jerk, for at least thinking of that.

                “Bah, fuck it!” She tossed her phone in the back seat, crossing her arms. “My phone won’t work, the signal keeps fucking up.”

                He…Honestly wasn’t used to her cussing. When he was sure the surprise faded from his face, he shifted to look at her better in the narrow car.

                “Do you want me to try mine?”

                “No, I just. Want a moment to think. Sorry.”

                She slunk down a bit in her seat, letting out a slow sigh. Getting the hint, Zen gave her a moment to chill. Even this sweetheart had her moments.

                He busied himself with getting the heaters turned up and checking his phone for any work related texts. A few people were wondering if he was going to take a break after the holiday performance, or if he was going to try and lead for another in January. As he typed out replies, he let the windows fog up from the heat. Looking over at her, she didn’t seem to be in a rush to drive off.

                She was quiet, looking down at her lap with a very concentrated look etched across her face.

                “Zen, did you stop talking to me because of what happened?”

                Fucking hell, he nearly dropped his phone from the cold chill of shock hitting his spine. Trying to brush it off, he gave her a sweet smile.

                “What are you talking about?”

                She seemed to almost glare at him, before shifting into a proper sitting position.

                “I didn’t want to say anything, in case you were still embarrassed, but…I know you haven’t been hanging out because of the threesome.”

                “I... I’ve been a bit busy, princess,” He felt his cheeks burn, shame finally building up to a point where he couldn’t ignore it any longer. “It hasn’t been because of that.”

                “Are you lying to me?”

                Ouch. She was staring him down, his coat pooling around her waist now. The stare was firm, but her eyes were too watery. Oh, shit…

                “I…” He pulled his gaze away, fixing his eyes on his knees. Fuck. “I’ve just. It was nice, yeah? And I loved it.”

                He felt his mouth go dry, his heart slamming against his ribcage. Too much…

                “Zen, if I pushed you to do something you didn’t want-“

                Her voice hitched a bit, and even without looking he knew those eyes were starting to overflow.

                “No, I did want to. I wanted you- I wanted to hold you in my arms, kiss all over you, and just feel what it’d be like to be loved by you. Even if it was all lust, or just. Fake. I don’t know.”

                Bending over, he propped his elbows on his knees, his head finding his hands. He dug his nails into his scalp, progressively feeling more and more like shit as he tried explaining all of the thoughts he kept bottled up until now.

                “But you love that fucking idiot,” The words spilled out between his gritted teeth. “Even though he doesn’t see how beautiful you are- Or how fucking lucky he is to have you. Does he know how scared you were when you first went to his house? How you called me when he started becoming super possessive? Your doubts of him asking you to marry, even though you said you never wanted to do something as rash as that, or- Or fuck. Fuck it.”

It wasn’t fucking fair. None of this was.

                He sat up, palms rubbing against his eyes. “I’m stressed. That’s why I haven’t been talking to you. I’m stressed because I love you, and the only time you love me is if it’s just to get in my fucking pants.”


	2. Chapter 2

                It had gotten pretty late. Jumin glanced at his phone again for the time, clicking it off and frowning to himself. The little meeting with Zen wasn’t supposed to be this long. If it was, she had promised to message him about it. Perhaps she wanted to treat him to dinner? He wouldn’t mind, if she would just tell him so.

                He stood up from his desk chair, shuffling his papers into a neat stack before looking around the living room for Elizabeth 3rd. He really should had tried to persist on her having Driver Kim take her- At least he would be able to text him and stay informed. He did feel a bit of worry- His sweetheart was staying out late with another man, but… They needed trust in their relationship. After everything she had done for the RFA, for him, he owes her a little bit of trust.

                “Elizabeth 3rd?”

                A loud bang sounded through the living room, and he watched both of his girls come into view. One scurrying over to him on fluffy paws, and the other clacking down to their bedroom.

                “Dear?” He called out, already concerned. Usually she at least gave him a warm smile…

                “I- I need a moment alone, Jumin. I’m sorry.”

                And…She was out of sight.

                He needed to respect her wishes, but… He picked up Elizabeth 3rd, feeling little comfort as she mewed in his arms, and walked to his desk to grab his cell phone again. At least someone else would be able to shed some light on this….

* * *

                Zen squeezed the beer can in his hand until the jagged edges dug into his palm too deeply and tossed it along with the others. Four cans down. At this rate, he’d have to come in late to work tomorrow.

                “Fuck!” He kicked the small pile and pressed a palm against his forehead. It had already been a couple of hours since he left her in that car. After his small confession, he just high-tailed it out of there. Left his jacket (With his ID in it, god damnit) with her and just walked home in the cold. He knew she was crying- Heard it as he left. But, he just couldn’t stand one more second in there with all of the negative emotions floating around them.

                He took another drag of his cigarette and picked his phone back up. Seven was spamming the chatroom with his weird emojis, wondering where Zen had gotten off too.

                _Gotta go, director needs me._

                                Yeah, whatever. They’d take that without any question. He didn’t wait for any farewells, he just clicked out of the chat quickly. He had gotten a few texts, but he really didn’t want to know who they were from. What if they were from her?

                Putting his cigarette out, he reached down and grabbed another beer. Fuck it. If he was going to wake up with a hangover, might as well go all the way. He popped it open, glancing at his screen when he heard a notification.

                _New Message: Jumin Han_

_“Assistant Kang just informed me...”_

                “What the fuck now?” He grunted out, finally clicking on the text screen. “Oh my god.”

                _Jumin Han: 7:23_

_Do you know why my fiancé just walked in crying?_

_Jumin Han: 7:28_

_Zen? Were you there when this started?_

_Jumin Han: 7:38_

_Respond when you are able to._

_Jumin Han: 7:43_

_Zen. She’s locked herself in the bedroom and wants to be left alone. If you don’t know: Tell me._

_Jumin Han: 8:03_

_I will send a photo of Elizabeth 3 rd._

_Jumin Han: 8:06_

_Assistant Kang just informed me that you just left the chatroom. Stop ignoring me._

_Jumin Han: 8:06_

_*Jaehee_

                Who gave this man a cell phone? Honestly. He thumbed through the messages, glad that no picture of that furball was sent. So she was still crying, huh? And because of him of course. Well-

                The ringtone for the rich jerk started going off, and he took another sip of his beer before answering. If he ignored it, Jumin would probably end up sending someone to his house.

                “What?”

                “Don’t take such a tone with me- You’re the one who decided not to answer my texts.”

                “Yeah, well I was busy,” He held the phone between his ear and shoulder, fumbling with his cig box to light another up. “What do you want?”

                He heard Jumin sigh. “Do you never read your texts? My fiancé came home crying. She didn’t even stop to pet Elizabeth 3rd, much less give me a hug like usual. What happened? Were you there?”

                He sucked a bit on his cigarette, feeling the nicotine sting his throat. “Nope,”

                “Then would you be willing to help me figure out why she is upset. Did I forget an important date? I thought I wouldn’t, I have Assis- Jaehee. Write down events in my schedule. Did she forget?”

                He rolled his eyes at Jumin’s ramblings. “I don’t fucking know, Jumin. You’re the one that’s engaged to her. You go ask her.”

                “She wants to be left alone for a bit.”

                “Yeah? Then leave her alone. Maybe she’ll fucking tell you, or won’t. I don’t know.”

                “…Did you do this?”

                He flicked his ashes away, looking out at the street lights in the distance. “I just said I wasn’t there-“

                “Yes, but usually you’re more willing to help if she’s involved, so I feel as if you’re lying because you caused this.”

                “What do you care?”

                “Because- Zen. She’s upset and I want to help her. I can’t help her if I don’t know what is wrong. Even I can understand that.”

                “Sure. I caused it. She’s crying because of me. Go be her knight in shining armor, okay?”

                Without hearing Jumin’s response, he ended the call and shut off his phone. He just needed some time alone, not to get this jackass to worsen his mood.

* * *

              Jumin pulled his phone away from his ear, frowning as he saw the call dropped. Did Zen hang up? No, it didn’t matter. He didn’t sound as if he was going to answer any more questions.

                Sighing, Jumin tapped Elizabeth 3rd to get off his lap and stood up, going into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Even though she wanted to be left alone, she was going to have to speak up eventually.

                “Elizabeth 3rd? Let’s go to bed.”

                He watched the cat stretch out, then slowly patter up next to him with a mew. Ah, she was so cute. But, he had his other princess to attend to. He headed off to their shared bedroom, knocking on the door.

                “Dear?” He listened in closely, hearing a few hiccups from the other side.

                “I just need a moment, Jumin.” She called out. God, her voice sounded so hoarse. Surely, it wasn’t healthy to cry for this long.

                “Elizabeth 3rd wants to see you.”

                Silence. He waited, counting the seconds, until he heard her call out to open the door. Calmly, he opened it, watching Elizabeth 3rd scurry in and hop onto the bed where his sweetheart was curled up. She looked…Horrible. Not disgusting, but just a sad heap. Her make-up was smeared around her reddened eyes, her lips puffy from what he could assume was due to her biting them. She looked up from petting their cat, slightly ashamed.

                “Hey,” She muttered.

                “Hey,” He walked over and sat beside her, his free hand petting her mussed hair. “I brought you some water. You need to stay hydrated.”

                She nodded and took the glass from his hand. As she looked down, situating the covers wrapped around her better to sit up right, he brushed some damp hairs from her face. “Are you ready to talk?”

                “Its. Really stupid. I’m not sure if I should even be crying, haha.”

                “Mm,” He leaned over and kissed her head. “It’s alright. I’m here to listen.”

* * *

 

                Zen had finally moved back inside his house, now sitting causally on his bed as he drank and read fan letters. His fans had stopped sending him as many as they used to- Either because of the stuff that happened between Echo Girl or him spending time with Jumin’s fiancé. He wasn’t too sure of the reason. Hell, maybe because his last performance was less on the romantic side and that he was a background character as well.

                Also… They had stopped being so endearing now. The letters normally talked about some ridiculous things, about his shirtless scenes making a few girls pregnant, and it would make him laugh or even blush a little. Now he just felt unfazed. Disappointed.

                Probably because it wasn’t coming from who he wanted it to.

                “Great job, Zen,” He groaned, holding his head in his hand. His lazily reached to set his can down on his nightstand- instead dropping it too soon to just have it spill on the floor. He peered over, his palm blocking an eye, and just couldn’t find it in himself to give a single fuck.

                He slid the letters into the puddle, knocking off the box of them into the floor as well, stubbornly kicking his legs under his covers and laying down. This shit was why he was single. Sure, he was as handsome as the Greek statues that resided in museums- But his personality? Horrible when he was upset. No wonder she went for Jumin.

                “Argh, fucking shit.” He bunched his covers up to his eyes. He wasn’t going to cry over this, that was stupid as hell. What he wanted to do was call her, apologize and beg to let him see her, kiss her, hold her. Just. Let him show her he was better than Jumin.

                But he wasn’t.

                Grumpily, possibly a little drunkenly, he grabbed his pillow and attempted to turn in for the night. Maybe his monster healing would help with his promised hangover in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a very difficult one to write for some reason.

                It had been a week since she had last seen Zen. Thankfully, she wasn’t always crying. In fact, after the first night she spent sobbing, she had seemed to stop completely. Or at least stop in front of him. Jumin glanced at his phone again, feeling a little downcast as no new messages came from her.

                Usually while he was at work, she would send him a few messages doing his breaks. Even if he couldn’t always respond he did love looking at them. Before their relationship started, he never received texts like that. In fact, he hated people texting him during his breaks. But now that she was in the picture, it made his day go by slower without them.

                He just hoped that she wasn’t crying again, that Elizabeth 3rd was making a good replacement for him.

                “Mr. Han?”

                He looked up, meeting the eyes of another associate. He still hadn’t gotten the name of Jaehee’s vacation stand-in down.

                “We have a meeting in three minutes. Are you ready, or should I post-pone it?”

                “No, don’t be ridiculous. I’ll be there, go on ahead without me.” He stood up and started grabbing the needed documents along with a notebook. Before walking out, he picked up his phone, contemplating at the screen for a moment before sending a quick text.

* * *

                Zen did Not want to go home.

                In the middle of practice, he got a text that nearly had him screw up rehearsals for the rest of the evening. One that had him contemplating staying out until the early hours of the morning at a local bar he favored.

                He could see his house in the distance, and the sleek shine of the pricy car Jumin rode in. Standing there with the plastic handle of his grocery bag cutting into his fingers, he thought of every single option he had to avoid Jumin. I mean, the bar wasn’t still crossed out completely. He could go, get buzzed, possibly find a cute girl and…

                Nope, nope. Remember what happened last time you did that, Zen. It took ages to get that girl to stop contacting him. God, could this mess be karma for that?

                He huffed and headed towards his home, shoulders slumped. Jumin was going to give him a lecture, and he really just wanted to stick to his routine of binge drinking as soon as he got home. Could it be possible that Jumin just wanted to drink with him?

                He snorted at the ridiculous thought.

                “Don’t even start with me until I get a drink, Jumin,” Zen announced as he opened the door, slightly annoyed the man was already sitting on his couch.

                “Hello to you, too.”

                “Yeah, yeah. How’d you get in, anyway?” He carelessly plopped his bag on the kitchen counter, opening the fridge and going ahead and grabbing two beers.

                “The last time the RFA came here, you didn’t exactly hide where you kept your spare key.”

                “…That was like a year ago, Jumin. What the fuck?”

                He watched Jumin attempt a shrug as he sat on a chair adjacent from him. “I thought it would be handy to keep in mind. And it was.”

                Resisting the urge to rub his face in annoyance, he walked over to the couch, planting one can on the coffee table in front of Jumin, while moving to an extra chair he had.

                “What happened, anyway? We don’t have another hacker, right?” He referenced the ‘important’ RFA text Jumin had sent him earlier, popping his own can open.

                “No, nothing like that. I mainly just wanted to talk to you.”

                Feeling knowing apprehension, he asked anyway. “About what?”

                “I think you know what this is about, Zen.” He watched as Jumin picked up the beer can in front of him, eying it for a bit before notably setting it down more towards the side. “You’ve been unwilling to discuss what happened, and I need that to change.”

                “And you thought letting yourself into my house, saying that you needed to talk to me about RFA business, was the best way to do this?” He said dryly.

                “It is a bit of RFA business. Because, if this continues, this could impact the group as a whole, and I don’t believe any of us wants that to happen.”

                Zen scoffed, reclining in his chair, but Jumin continued.

                “She’s not doing well. She’s constantly exhausted, depressed, and she keeps acting very distant. She’s only opened up to me once about whatever happened, and all I could gather was that something happened between the two of you, and that she claims to have ‘fucked up a perfectly good friendship’.” Jumin leaned forward a bit, resting his arms on his legs. “She keeps talking about how disgusting she is, and I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve tried telling her she’s not, but she won’t listen to me.”

                “Gee, that sucks.” The words slipped out of his mouth, following a long sip, but he couldn’t look towards Jumin. No matter how sarcastic he sounded, how annoyed he was by this situation, his throat was dry and his heart was pounding.

                He didn’t actually expect her to so upset. Not to the point that even listening to Jumin wasn’t helping.

                “Zen,” Jumin’s leveled voice drew him out from his thoughts. “Is this because of the threesome? Did something happen to make you upset?”

                “I don’t, ever, really want to talk about that again.”

                Letting out a knowing hum, Jumin calmly started speaking again. “Was I too rough? Did it hurt?”

                Embarrassed, Zen finally turned to face him. “Dude, I just fucking said I didn’t want to talk about it.”

                “But, nothing good is going to happen if you keep quiet about it, and only explode in random fits of anger at people.”             

                “What, talk about how the only time I’m able to love her is when she just wants to get in my fucking pants?”

                As soon as the words left his mouth, he groaned, covering his face with his free hand. Jumin just cleared his throat, and after a moment of silence, spoke up again.

                “Yes, talk about that. I need to know what is going on, so I can help the two of you stop fighting.”

                “You want me to talk about that? How I want your fucking fiancé to love me, instead of you?”

                “Yes,” Jumin quietly agreed again, though there was a hint of reluctance in his voice. “Even though you may think I shouldn’t hear it, if there is a way for me to use it to help her out, then I want to hear it.”

                He wanted to hear it? He wanted to hear about all those nights Zen wished he could whisk that beautiful woman from Jumin’s grasp? Alright. Zen mimicked Jumin’s pose, slamming his can down on the coffee table and looking directly at the man.

                “For starters, I didn’t go into that threesome to get fucked by you, let’s make that clear. Nothing about that threesome had anything to do with me wanting to feel any part of you,” He watched a flicker of annoyance flash on Jumin’s face, until the man regained his poker face.

                “Then why did you-“

                “So I could feel what it was like to love her, to feel what it was like to, fuck. I don’t know. Have what I deserve.”

                “…What you deserve.” Jumin repeated slowly, and Zen could hear just a sliver of anger threatening to seep out.

                “Yeah, what I deserve. You, trust fund, don’t fucking deserve a woman like that.”

                “How so?”

                “Are you fucking serious?” Zen looked at him, angry bewilderment etched onto his face, and Jumin just stared back at him coldly. “Let’s move past the fact that you treat everything like it’s a damn control, let’s move past that you always get what you fucking want, and let’s move to how the fuck you treat her, Jumin.”

                Confused, Jumin just shook his head a bit. “She’s never complained-“

                “Yeah,” Zen cut him off, pointing a finger at him. “Not to you. You remember when she first came around a few months back? How she came over to help you out? How you locked her in your fucking apartment?”

                He watched as Jumin visibly got more uncomfortable, unable to look Zen in the eyes.

“We’ve already discussed that, and I’ve promised her not to do-“

                “That’s not the fucking point Jumin! Do you know how fucking scared she was? How she called me nearly crying because she wanted to help you so bad, but you were seriously scaring the fuck out of her? How she was worried she was going to end up trapped and never see any one of us again? How scared she was to even bring up leaving?”

                “She…Didn’t tell me that. No.”

                “Yeah, but she told me.” He spat out, “Every time you freaked her out, or she was worried she wasn’t good enough for you, she’d come to me! Not you! It’s just. Fuck, I don’t know. It’s fucking bullshit. Trust fund kid gets everything he wants, yet again, even if it’s as if she has fucking Stockholm whatever!”

                “Zen, I can’t help who she chose.”

                Jumin’s quiet words hung in the air as he finally stopped yelling. He took a few breaths, slowing his racing thoughts, before closing his eyes and rubbing them.

                “Get out of my fucking house, Jumin.”

                He said too much. He said way too fucking much, and was just making matters worse. Without looking, he heard Jumin clear his throat and stand up from the couch.

                “Yes, I believe it’s time I left. It’s apparent there’s a few things I need to discuss with her as well.” Jumin started towards the door, but before leaving, spoke out again. “Zen, thank you for bringing this to my attention.”

                Zen didn’t even have the energy to tell him off. He heard the door close, and after a few minutes, Jumin’s car drive off. Slowly, he pulled his hands away from his face, a loud sigh slipping out as he did so.

                That wasn’t the end of it. That was nowhere near the end.

* * *

                Watching her quietly, Jumin noted how she wasn’t eating as much anymore. She would just pick at her plate, when before she at least finished most of it, with only small bites left to spare, gone cold with how excitedly she spoke to him about his day. Now she just stared down, hardly able to look up at him.

                Zen was causing them both grief. Even though he had a strained friendship with the actor, he still wanted the best for him, even if he stubbornly refused it. It was odd to feel the confliction of wanting to help both of them, and both refusing his help.

                She was kinder than Zen when it came to rejecting him. Telling him it was just something she needed to handle, something she had to deal with on her own. Zen…He was going to end up exploding at several different people before he could even begin to resolve his issues.

                Jumin cleared his throat, her giving him a small glance as he did so.

                “Honey, I know you want me to let you deal with this…But I need to talk to you about a few things.”

                She didn’t respond, only giving him a questioning look. He missed her voice, but at the same time he didn’t want to hear it break during the topics he wished to discuss.

                “I went to talk to Zen today,” He let out a small frown as she tensed up, looking away from him, “It wasn’t entirely bad, but he brought up a few things I never knew about.”

                “Like what?” Her voice was so small, and it hurt to hear it.

                “That you were very…frightened, when you first came here. I knew we’ve discussed this a bit before, but I didn’t realize to what degree you were frightened. He made it sound as though you feared for your life,” He uncomfortably straightened up, trying to keep his composure. ”I can understand how you may not have brought it up back then, but I would hope that if it was as serious as he says, you would have told me by now.”

                “What exactly did he say?”

                “That you were calling him, crying and saying you were terrified.”

                She sighed, chewing the inside of her cheek a bit. “I was scared, but it wasn’t to that point.”

                “Would you mind explaining? So this could be something I can be mindful of in the future?”

                She nodded. “I was mostly scared because of how him and the others were making it out to be. Yes, I’ve had some issues with people in the past, and I will admit I was a bit scared. I wasn’t fearing for my life, though. He exaggerated that a bit.”

                Hearing that still didn’t make him feel any better, but he kept his mouth shut as she continued explaining, her fingers toying with the napkin under her plate.

                “He probably thought I was scared for my life, with how I kept crying, but I was so just stressed at the time. I know you didn’t mean for me to be, or any of you to be, but I was trying to help all of you the best I could. When it seemed like I was failing at helping you- because you were losing interest in Elizabeth 3rd, the one thing you cared about the most, I thought I had messed up.”

                She let out a small sigh, quietly muttering. “I was also embarrassed once because of what Sarah said about me.”

                Sarah. Jumin inwardly winced at the memory of the catty woman saying any vile thing she could about her. He assumed she was able to brush it off easily, especially with how she laughed about it afterwards.

                “So, yes. I was scared. Yes, I talked to Zen, because he was a good friend at the time,” She sighed. “Was.”

                Jumin reached across the table, taking her hand in his. “I think he will come to talk to you eventually, and the two of you will be able to clear the air with whatever happened.”

                His words didn’t seem to help her, but she laced her fingers with his.

                After a few moments of enjoying the small pleasure, he spoke again.

                “It is pretty late. I do think, at some point, we need to discuss what happened more in depth, but I won’t pester you about the subject any longer. It’s clear that you’re tired.” Slowly, he pulled his hand away so he could stand and start gathering the dishes, a habit she was trying to get him used to.

                Quietly, she helped him, bringing them to the sink. After the clattering of putting them down, they both stood there in silence.

                What exactly was happening to the two of them? He glanced at her, her gaze unwavering from the plates and glasses, and felt how exhausted she was. Was this the dreaded end to the ‘honeymoon phase’ his older acquaintances teased about? They hadn’t even married yet, and here they were, unable to bring happiness to each other.

                Because of… what, exactly?

                A small tug on his sleeve caused his thoughts to pause. She brought her gaze up to him, eyes darting to the side as she nervously spoke.

                “Is it alright we sleep in the same room?”

                It was as if all the exhaustion escaped from his shoulders. He nodded, and before he could say anything, she slipped between his arms, hugging him tight. He couldn’t hear her, but the soft shaking of her frame told him she was trying to hold back her tears again. Probably for the hundredth time this week.

                He was just grateful she finally felt ready to sleep together again.

                Kissing her head, he started rubbing her back a bit, working on a plan to slowly coax her into moving towards the bedroom.

                Hopefully, they still had plenty of time before that ‘honeymoon phase’ ended.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kill Me.

                Watching her stand there, fingers constantly running through her hair as she nervously tapped her foot, was exhausting. He could feel the stress and anxiety pooling around her, trying to suffocate the both of them. Another deep breath, and he finally brought himself out from his worry.

                “I don’t think he’s mad anymore.”

                Worried eyes glanced up at him- Doubtful, questioning, and he did his best to remain composed.  This was the same look he had gotten a few days ago when the RFA had their own little holiday get together. Zen, of course, was there, and she was expected to come along as well. No one in the RFA had known something was happening between the three of them. Per her request, Jumin kept it quiet and acted as though nothing was wrong.

                So did Zen. He never mentioned it in the chats. At the party, she was terrified to go in. She even wanted to feign sickness to avoid it, but with a few pleading looks from Jumin, she eventually caved. During the party she clung to his side, too scared in case she accidentally wandered too close to Zen, but the actor proved his skills when it came to the two of them having to interact. He managed to never let it show that they hadn’t seen each other in weeks. That the both of them hadn’t been raking over their thoughts, trying to figure out how they let this mess begin.

                The party went well. A few times she stuttered trying to talk to him, but she managed to say she was just nervous about everyone enjoying their gifts she made for them. When Zen revealed his gift for her, a simple bracelet with a silver heart dangling from it, she struggled with forming the right words.

                Just as she was now, fidgeting with the same bracelet.

                Jumin held back a sigh. He wasn’t used to everyone being so complicated. True, him and Zen could fight often, but at the end of the day they still held respect for one another, no matter how small.

                “Do you want me to come in with you, see if he’ll-“

                “No,” Her voice was quiet, but stern. “He might not like that.”

                He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, briefly pressing his lips against her temple. With a small murmur of thanks, she took another deep breath and walked into the room.

* * *

                Zen’s leg had been tapping so rapidly he was almost sure that it was going to ache in the morning. He rarely got this nervous- Not to the point that he could feel saliva gathering underneath his tongue, and his stomach churning and its contents wanting to gush out. Agreeing to come in, to try to talk to her, was his own decision. He finally came to terms that running away wasn’t an option anymore. Not when RFA parties were still to be had. True, he could act his way out of many situations, but sooner or later someone was going to put two and two together, and he wasn’t ready to have to explain what had happened between them.

                When she finally came through the door, he stopped. Frozen, almost, save for his breathing. Her step faltered a bit as she met his stare, but with a few quick strides she sat herself down on the chair opposite of him. Her hands clasping against one knee, she offered another glance towards him, before ultimately setting her gaze on the floor. Silence rang throughout the room as the both of them struggled.

                “Thank you,” Her voice was quiet, and after clearing her throat she spoke up. “Thank you for coming here.”

                Here. Zen glanced around at the personal meeting room Jumin had inside his penthouse. It was barren, devoid of any trace of life save for the dustless counters, the only proof someone had ever been inside. Unable to think of a response, he nodded and let out a soft ‘sure’, his foot threatening to start up that tapping tune again.

                They sat in silence and Zen was questioning why he even came. Would anything he say matter? Would it just make it worse? He wasn’t that good with words unless they came from a script, and he damn sure wasn’t the best at mending ties. Another small look at her, and she was toying with the bracelet he had gotten her for Christmas.

                Was she trying? Was she as tired as he was? He couldn’t even find it in himself to be angry anymore.

                “Zen, I’m sorry.” She began, her determined and watery eyes meeting his. “Back then, when I asked you to join us, I didn’t know that it would possibly lead to this. I was selfish, and just thinking about sex instead of your feelings. I didn’t-“

                “No,” He spoke without thinking, and there was a small pause where they both were taken aback. “No, I didn’t let you know otherwise. I didn’t let you know I still wanted…”

                Sighing, he rubbed his face with one hand. “I didn’t let you know I was still crushing on you.”

                “I mean, you didn’t have to. I should have been more aware of your feelings-“

                “You couldn’t have known.”

                Both stopped then. Zen resting his elbow on his knee, his hand against his forehead. This wasn’t going very far.

                “I still want you to know I’m sorry, Zen. I never wanted to have you, I don’t know. Just so hurt by everything. I never wanted to hurt you.”

                Without looking, he could tell she was struggling with keeping her calm. There were a few sniffles, the rustling of her clothes, and he knew she was wiping away a few stray tears.

                “I shouldn’t have asked you to do that. Not when I should have been happy with my own relationship, instead of risking a friendship to make it more kinky.”

                “Threesomes aren’t bad, princess. I’m not going to lie and say I never considered one.” He moved to prop his chin up, his gaze only able to meet her briefly. “But you don’t have to apologize for trusting me. I should have said something, too, if it was going to make me uncomfortable. I just thought if I joined in, my feelings for you would be...satisfied. Or something.”

                When she didn’t respond, instead looking to the side with a pained expression, he decided to try and take control of the situation.

                “How about this. I’ve told you a lot of how I felt and I haven’t let you speak much, so just get everything off your chest, yeah?” Finally meeting each other’s gaze, he offered a soft smile. “I don’t want to stop being close to you, princess.”

                That’s what finally did her in. She covered her face, trying to quietly sob into her hands. Tired of sitting away from her, he stood up and scooted his chair closer to hers, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and steering her to lean into him.

* * *

                If he focused, he could make out a few soft sobs breaking through the door. Occasionally, thankfully. The back of his head softly hitting the door, Jumin sighed and stared at the blank ceiling above him, as if it had some transcript of the conversation he was trying to listen in on.

                It wasn’t a healthy thing to do, he supposed, but he was admittedly feeling anxious. This feeling he only rarely got, and was usually able to dispel quickly, had been plaguing him for the past few days. He knew it wasn’t their fault, that he should rationalize and assume that they were slowly talking their way through it, but… It was surprisingly harder than he had thought.

                He pulled himself away from the door, pulling his phone out to send a quick message to her. It was going to take a while, from the sounds of it, and he knew better than to try to rush them. He just couldn’t linger around here without some distraction.

* * *

                He wouldn’t be lying if he said the guilt was eating him up. His chest ached every time he had thought of her the past few weeks, and it was aching now as she continued to blubber on about how ‘consumed’ she was by her lust. No matter how many times he told her it was fine, that they were both at fault for not being more considerate or more open about their feelings, she still blamed herself.

                Were his words honestly that damaging? Did he give into his past self that harshly?

                She had calmed down, though. No more tears as he cradled her in his lap, his head resting on top of hers. It was silly, really. Most arguments and discussions didn’t end up like this. But, here they were, relaxing together and just enjoying being in the same room again.

                “Why are you being so kind to me? You have more than enough reason to be upset, mad, Zen.”

                Her voice was small, and he realized how much he missed her laughing and usual teasing tone.

                “I’ve… Well, I’ve already gotten angry. And I’ve moved on. I think.” Thinking about the past few weeks, he wasn’t proud of himself at all. Binge drinking, starting more fights with Jumin than were necessary, trying to understand why she… Ugh, no. “I just don’t want to fight anymore.”

                “That’s not a good reason to keep quiet.”

                He picked his head off from hers, letting her straighten up to look at him.

                “What do you mean, Princess?”

                “I mean… Tell me why you’re upset. I’ve rambled on a lot, and I still want you to know you don’t have to apologize for anything, but it seems like you said some things to Jumin about me, that were kinda more for me to hear.” She grimaced to herself. “I don’t want to bring up something to make you feel bad, but I’ve laid out a lot on the table…I want you to feel like you can as well.”

                He leaned back in the seat, shifting a bit uncomfortably. True, there were a lot of things he wanted to say, so many questions he had to ask. But, he really didn’t want to. Not if he could help it. Honestly, he wanted to act as if they had never fought.

“I don’t want to make you cry anymore.”

                “No,” Voice stern, she pointed a harsh finger towards him. “We’re not doing this for my benefit only, we’re talking to help the both of us.”

                He couldn’t help it, he smirked a bit at that, seeing her usual self slipping back through. It faded quickly, as he looked off to the side. He remembered all those nights she had called him, before her and Jumin had even spent the night together. She would ask about his day, let him go on and on about himself. Hell, it was even as if she only looked forward to his phone calls. But then as Jumin slowly started opening more in the chatroom, the calls gradually stopped being so frequent.

                Were they only when Jumin wouldn’t answer his phone, though? Was he just the back up?

                “Why... Why did you choose him?”

                He felt her tense up, her hands balling up in her lap.

                “Would it help you if I told you?”

                Would it? Or would it hurt him even more? Finding more reasons to think he was inadequate against Jumin… Did he want to risk that?

                “Yes,” A slow exhale followed. “Yeah, I think it would.”

                Gripping her hand, lightly, he threaded their fingers together, trying to make it clear he was willing to listen, that he wasn’t angry anymore.

                “For a while... I thought we might have gotten together. Somewhere along the line that changed. Was I right? Did I do something wrong?”

                 Her frame felt unyielding as he watched her figure out exactly what to say.

                “You…You were right. I was considering trying…I was considering a relationship with you.”

                Just as he suspected, hearing just the beginning of her confession was agonizing. His chest felt constricted as he struggled to keep his breathing steady. “But?”

                “It wouldn’t work out.” Curt, and to the point. It was easy to see that she was trying to leave it right there, not explain further, but he needed. God fucking damnit he needed the answers to what he had been searching for the past few months.

                “Princess, please…” His mouth found her temple, offering a few small kisses as her frame shook. “Please, I need to know why. What did I do wrong?”

                “I-It wasn’t anything, Zen.” She hurriedly yanked her free hand to her eyes, trying to wipe away any spare tears that had threatened to escape down her cheeks. “I know how important your job is to you. I know how you nearly gave up everything for your job. Hell, you really did give up everything. But you kept talking about how you would give up your job for a girlfriend, and being so serious- I just. I couldn’t risk you losing what you loved just for me.

                “I knew there was truth in what Jaehee was saying. I knew that if things happened to go south with us, it was easy for the public to get ahold of it and the possible rumors killing your career. You hadn’t even gone as far as you wanted to. I’m not worth enough for you to throw your career away.”

                He didn’t know what to say. His throat was aching, trying to voice the words that were lodged in there, but he couldn’t. His hand was clenching hers tightly, trying to process it all.

                “Did…Did you love me?”

                “Zen, I still love you.”

                “Then…” He sounded so fucking weak. He brought his other hand up to his face, rubbing his palm harshly against his eye, trying to ignore how much it was stinging.

                “We wouldn’t have made each other happy, and…Jumin needed me more.”

                No.

                “He was hurting. He was hurting so badly and everyone said I might be able to help him more, since he seemed to listen to me. And, yeah, I was scared at first. I didn’t want to possibly make things worse for him but-“

                “But he needed you.” Zen finished for her, finally letting go of her. As difficult as it was, he suppressed a mocking scoff. Trust fund got everything he wanted. Even if it was bullshit… Was it bullshit?

                No.

                It made sense, it made perfect fucking sense, and that’s why it hurt the most. Why it felt like his heart was ready to combust, was ready to rip his damn chest apart.  Since she had gotten together with him, he had became more open, became more human each and every day. Was trying not to be a stuck-up prick and learn to show more empathy for people. Learned to be more open towards Zen, to try and offend him less. Fuck, Jaehee was on a vacation right now! Yoosung literally had no business to still have a chance to work at C&R, but Jumin was still willing to work with him and teach him that life after college didn’t automatically mean he had a job. He was willing to help others if it wasn’t even for his benefit entirely anymore.

                Sure, it wasn’t everyone in the world, but it was more empathy than he had shown in a long time.

                “I’m so sorry, Zen. I love you so much, I love you and him so much. But I knew I couldn’t make you happy. Even if you thought I could, the risks of ruining your dreams…”

                The room fell quiet again. Zen was trying his best not to explode, because everything fucking _hurt_.  Everything felt numb, and in agony, at the same time and he couldn’t even figure out how that was possible.

                “Are you going to be okay?” She was worried, her voice small, but…He had asked for her reasoning, even when she didn’t want to give it.

                He asked for this.

                “No. But I will soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so so fucking hard to write.  
> I'm sorry it took so long- I'm dealing with a lot of things right now. I appreciate the patience and support!


	5. Chapter 5

            She wasn’t facing him. He could feel her sigh every now and again, that ridiculously cute stuffed animal in her arms. Slowly, Jumin wrapped an arm around her and pulled her back flush against his chest.

“Please, talk to me, love.”

Regretfully, he wasn’t there when their talk ended. He just knew that Zen had left, promising to talk to her again soon. At least, that’s all she said, before trying to desperately escape to her room again. Jumin had allowed it, but as it got later in the night, he crept in and carefully asked if she would be willing to sleep together again.

He just didn’t think that cat plush would be her replacement for him.

His fingers slipped in between her arms and the plush, wiggling a bit and successfully getting his point across. In a few moments, a few awkward rustlings, she was facing him, nuzzling warmly into his chest.

“I’m just having a lot of conflicting feelings right now.”

“I can tell,” He remarked, ghosting his lips against her forehead. “Talk to me, love. Let me hear them.”

It started off with another sigh, followed by silence and then a huff of words. She explained some of the things that had happened in the room, how, in the end, she was snug against Zen’s chest as they both tried to control their tears. How she did feel a bit better, but not at all less guilty.

“Why do you feel guilty?” Sometime during her explanation, her hands slipped up his shirt and started a steady pattern on his back. It felt comforting, and he was sure his achingly tired voice told her so.

“Because…He still loves me, Jumin.”

…Wasn’t that the point this whole time? Of course he had loved her. But Zen needed to come to terms that she wasn’t his.

“And,” She continued, “I don’t think he’ll ever stop loving me.”

“That’s not your fault.” He wasn’t well versed on love, besides their own, but he knew this much had to be true. “You can’t control his emotions.”

“I could have helped them, though.”

* * *

 

The kitchen was alive with her cooking her weird breakfast foods again. Some new variation of ‘Eggs in a Hat’. While it sounded adorable, and she tried her best to make the ‘hat’ look like a heart, sometimes the product didn’t match up to the name.

He glanced at the tie she had picked for him, the little pawprint design reminding him vaguely of Elizabeth 3rd. Did she pick this because she thought he would need to think of her today? Looking at her in the kitchen, she looked exhausted. She didn’t put on the apron, her hair was still a mess, and bags were evident under her eyes. Did she manage to sleep less than he had last night? Just a few hours?

After straightening the clip on his tie, he joined her next to the stove, brushing her hair back behind her ear. It used to be that she would cook in the mornings with limitless energy. She would give him smiles that stuck with him throughout his whole day, let out such a cute whine when he teased her neck.

Now, they both didn’t have the energy to do more than cuddle, let alone share small pecks.

They had tried to go further before. Back when her emotions were all over the place, they both thought connecting through sex would help, even for a short bit. But somewhere along the way she started shaking violently, and begging for him to stop. It scared the hell out of him at first. He thought he had managed to hurt her, but she had promised she was just having some personal issues. Issues that started before she had ever came into the RFA.

He truly, truly, hoped she wasn’t lying to him about that. If sex bothered her, even when it excited her before, he would want her to tell him. He would give up sex if it would make her happy. It wasn’t an end-all to their relationship, and he hoped she knew that.

Her happiness would always come first.

An elbow softly hit his ribs, and he was knocked out of his thoughts as she wiggled out between the stove and him, setting his plate down and crossing her arms.

“I know you’re running a bit late, but you need to eat breakfast, okay? Just…Just text him. Or I can. I did make you late, after all.”

As he sat down and looked at the slightly burnt breakfast, he knew texting Zen about his tardiness might set the man off. He was probably already irked that the two of them were supposed to meet.

“No, it’s alright. I’ll tell him it was traffic.”

He wasn’t going to risk another fierce argument against the two of them. No matter how small.

* * *

 

It’s clear Zen hadn’t gotten much sleep either.

When Jumin walks into the room, jacket folded over his arm, Zen looks up with tired eyes. His expression is already soured with annoyance, but he sucks it up. He straightens up in his seat, rolling his shoulders, and that’s when Jumin makes note of the battered leather jacket Zen has on. It was unusual for him to be wearing something from his ‘gang days’. Was this supposed to make him feel more tough? In control?

It didn’t matter much in the end, Jumin mused. Wasting no time, he sat across from him, resting confidently on the chair. Should he try to maintain his business persona? Would a talk like this just be a business talk? He slowly remembered some of the tips his fiancé shared with him. No. He needed to try to talk to him like he had with…V? Or her. Not the best examples, since his relationship with Zen was straining again, but…

“Are you just going to stare?”

Blinking, Jumin realized he had been zoning out in Zen’s general direction. It probably did look like staring…Even if he wasn’t focused on his scowl like he was now.

“I was trying to think of the best way to approach this situation.”

Already, Zen was scoffing, but there wasn’t as much malice to it as their last talk, or months before. It was weakened, and his soured expression was softening. His expression now…Almost reminded Jumin of hers.

            Tired. On the edge of a breakdown.

            Revisiting the key details of exhaustion surrounding Zen, it was quite possible it was worse than Jumin had thought. All three of them had hardly gotten any sleep, but unlike them, Jumin was used to it.

           “I’m sorry.” He cleared his throat when Zen looked at him, a bit perplexed.

           “You’re sorry?”

           “I am. There are times where I don’t explain myself well. Or take in your emotions as much as I should.” This was difficult. He couldn’t really begin to think of a way to start off this talk of…What? Her? Her decisions? “So, I apologize if I’ve sounded harsh to you lately. I apologize, especially, for the…Time that you don’t wish to discuss.”

Zen almost deadpanned. “Of course now is when you apologize for that, instead of earlier.”

“I thought last time I had, but she told me that it wasn’t good enough. At least she thought it might not have been.”

            “Are you ever going to apologize to me without someone telling you to? Without me asking?”

Jumin kept quiet for a moment, trying to recall the times when he had. But…Maybe they didn’t seem like apologies? “I’m working to do that more often. I’m tired of fighting.”

            The brief silence was followed by Zen letting out a sigh. “Yeah? I am too. I feel like I’m fighting with everyone these days. Everything.”

He didn’t know how to respond, so he let Zen trail off for a moment.

“The threesome… It’s. Fine. I’m pretty much over that.”

That was new. Jumin shot him a quizzical look.

“I was thinking about it…And we never established for you not to do those things. And I never said no, or broke out the safe word…So.”

“Ah, I’m glad I wasn’t losing a bit of my memory like I thought.” It wasn’t a true worry, but Zen’s sudden shift from being completely okay with things the morning after, into avoiding him and then this huge argument…He thought he had done something to set that off. When he couldn’t place it, he was worried that perhaps his memory had started to fail him.

          “Well. It was something. New, I guess. One of those ‘in the moment’ things, and that’s it, okay? I’m not…Like that.”

          “Alright.”

          Zen seemed to have a few internal issues going on, and he had read about straight men doing a few experimental things like that. Though, the idea of Zen admitting he was experimenting was rather ludicrous since the man couldn’t even come up with the proper words for what had happened.

          Slowly, silence seeped in between them again. Is this what ‘awkward’ moments felt like? Your shoulders tense, struggling to find the right words, worried about rejection at the use of wrong ones? What was this?

         “Zen. I’m also sorry about who she chose.”

         Zen wasn’t meeting his gaze, but he kept quiet, and Jumin took that as a silent prompt to continue. 

         “She explained to me a bit how she had feelings for you, before she gained them for me. Explained the issues with that, and why she did what she did. I know it doesn’t help much hearing it from me, but I’m sorry that things didn’t turn in towards your favor.”

         “Yeah…You could break up with her, you know.” Zen muttered it, but at his rather shocked expression, he waved his hand. “I’m joking. I know you two love each other. It’s so sickening. In that weird, good way.”

          He was quiet for a moment. Jumin could see a sigh building up within him. He wasn’t used to seeing this man so depressed before, so downcast. The last time this happened was with Echo Girl.

         “I don’t know what to say.” Jumin admitted. “I’ve never been in this situation before. Fighting about a girl. It’s rather strange.”

         “Usually it’s girls fighting over me.” Zen replied dryly. “I never had issues like this before.”

         “Maybe…You should try to contact one of those girls?”

         As soon as the words left his mouth, Zen scoffed. “Don’t try to give me relationship advice right now, dude. I know this is supposed to be a feel-good moment, but you and I both know you suck at that kind of talk.”

        That was…very true. He wanted to smile at Zen slowly sounding like his old self. Even that hint of laughter showing through meant that he might be doing a bit better than a few weeks ago. Maybe there was still a chance of his fiance and Zen getting along...And more.

       Jumin cleared his throat again, feeling a tad unwell with what he was going to propose next. Now seemed like the only opening for it, because later...Well, he might not be able to bring himself to.

       “Zen,” He said, trying to chose his words carefully. “You love her, correct?”

        Zen gave him a pointed look, almost looking as though he couldn't believe the question he was being asked.

       “Uh...Yes?”

        “Truly?”

        “What do you- Yes, Jumin. That's what all this shits been about.”

        “And you're very adamant? That's not going to waver any time soon?”

        There was a moment where a nervous flash crossed Zen’s features. 

        “Jumin. I love her. The same as you, if not more.”

         Even though his last words irked him a bit, he chose to ignore it, taking a moment to double check with himself if he was ready to propose this. If he truly wanted her to be happy...this was probably the best solution. 

        “Then let's negotiate you dating her.”

* * *

          “You proposed  _ what _ ??”

           Ah, so phrasing it like he had also caused her to have a small outburst.

          “I thought it would be the most beneficial-”

          “Benefic-” She stopped herself with a groan, covering her face with both hands for a moment before speaking again. “Honey. I love you, but please explain what exactly you thought was going to happen. Bringing this up to Zen? Me?”

          “I assumed he would understand what I meant, not yell nonsense and then stomp out.”

          With how her tone was, trying to maintain calm with minimal disbelief staining her words, he knew that he had miscalculated. Messed up. But, even so, that didn’t stop the small huff of annoyance that came out from both of them.

         “And…? Explain the plan you had, Jumin.”

         The agitation he felt just got worse. Her hands were on her hips, pointing more towards the magnitude of this situation. Why were they both so upset?  He couldn’t understand why he was receiving such reactions. Especially from Zen, who even suggested him breaking up with her. Well...Jokingly. 

        “I’ve read about these types of relationships online. When I searched information about threesomes, a relationship term kept popping up. I remembered it and thought it would be the most beneficial to our situation.”

        She didn't look too pleased with the answer. One of her hands rubbed her face, looking away while she searched for the right words. She loved both of them. Surely having both at her side would make her the happiest? It didn't make any sense.

        Steadily, she stepped over and reached for his hands, holding them in between their bodies.

        “Jumin. I know we've talked about you doing things like this.” He shot her a quizzical look, and she shook her head. “Where you try to do something for my benefit, but fail to consult me first.”

        “I had to see if he would be willing before I brought it up to you. I didn't want you to be disappointed if it fell through.”

         Another sigh. “Jumin…”

        “Is this not something you want?”

        “I don't know!” Both of his hands were let go as she stepped back, her own thrown up exasperated. “I didn't have a chance to think about this! This is sudden! Out of left field!”

        He ignored the unfamiliar term. “But you're not saying no.”

        She paused, a subdued look of shock crossing over her face. Her hands fell to the side as her mouth opened for a moment, and then closed quickly. 

        She wasn't saying no. Something ached in his chest, just a bit, but he shook it off. This was just another contract. Albeit with his future wife and another man, but if he wanted to please both parties, his emotions couldn't slither through. But they were, pulling his ribcage inward and painfully so. For a moment, his throat felt disgustingly dry, but he forced himself to clear it.

       “It’s not a no. You don't have to know the answer right away, since Zen never gave a clear answer, but-”

       “Jumin, the kind of relationship you proposed, you would have to have feelings for him. And him for you. It's just-”

       “Don't worry about that. Wooing Zen would be something I would take care of on my own.”

       “Wooing.”

       “Yes. You're not the only one that has feelings for him.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, short message: After this chapter, I'm going to take a break from this story for a little bit! Nothing longer than a month, but I due to work getting harder and all that jazz, I'm gonna lay low with this and work on a few other things.  
> I'm Not dropping it, so don't worry!! I just want to not feel so stressed for a bit.  
> Thank you! I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

                Zen sat in his living room, eying the texts he had ignored earlier in the day. While his cigarette hung from between his fingers, hand still posed against his mouth, he debated on responding to any of them. Some of them were from Yoosung, asking him romance tips for trying to woo some cute girl in his class (which he had answered the best his could for the kid), a weird few from Seven (ignored ignored and iiiignored), but…He also had one from her and the jerk.

                Hers…It was hard. He wanted to respond because it was the first text from her that he had gotten in over a month. Had it been that long? Christ…At least a few weeks, yeah? The days kept blurring together- A mash of anger and forced acting. Beer. Shit food. The longer the list went, the more guilt-ridden and ashamed he felt.

_Princess_ _❤︎_ _6:30 PM_

_I’m sorry if Jumin made you upset with what he proposed. I’m trying to figure out what even gave him the idea to do so. I really hope you’re not too mad, because I don’t think he realized how his words could be taken._

_Princess_ _❤︎_ _6:32 PM_

_God, I’m sorry Zen. I hope this didn’t fuck everything up again._

                Pulling his cig away from him once the heat of the nearing ashes became apparent, he tapped it against his ashtray and brought it back to his lips, taking a deep inhale of the nicotine it provided. He wanted to respond. He did. But he just didn’t know how. He kept thinking about how Jumin had talked about her like some business product. Almost like she was a damn prostitute! Jumin kept going when he didn’t reply at first- too dumbfounded- but the moment ‘sex’ was mentioned, Zen stood up so fast it nearly knocked his chair over. He couldn’t even remember what he said to him, but he did know he shouted something about how women weren’t fucking products, especially her, before he stomped out.

                “Fuck, how did he win your heart over, princess?”

_You 10:19 PM_

_I’ll try and calm down if he starts showing you more respect. Did he even mention what he was thinking??_

_You 10:19 PM_

_You don’t have to apologize for him, babe. He’s the fucking asshole, not you._

                It took a lot not to add ‘I still love you’ onto that last text, but it would probably be overkill. At least he managed to respond to her texts. But trust fund kid’s texts? Jesus.

_Trust Fund 6:37 PM_

_Please give appropriate consideration to what I mentioned earlier._

_Trust Fund 6:53 PM_

_I don’t think she would say no to it. She didn’t say no when I brought it up to her._

                She didn’t say no, huh? What exactly was he supposed to think about that? Well…She did say she still had feelings for him. He briefly remembered how she didn’t protest when he kept peppering her face with small kisses, but that was while they were apologizing to each other.

                Fuck, it really felt like teasing with how Jumin was offering her up like that.

_You 10:22 PM_

_Jumin, what the fuck?_

_You 10:22 PM_

_Do you know the difference between people and products? I thought you were working on this shit, trust fund._

                Smothering his cigarette in his ashtray, he dropped his phone on the couch as he stood up and stretched. Ever since their talk, he was trying to cut down on the beer, but that didn’t mean it still wasn’t tempting to go back into that dreadful routine he had set up. The habit was starting to catch up to him a bit, making his skin a bit duller than usual, so he knew he had to call it quits asap.

                His old jacket was hanging off the kitchen chair, and he gave it a thoughtful once-over as he leaned against the counter, reminiscing a bit on old memories. He used to wear that jacket into the ground. All before the R.F.A., of course, but the jacket needed to be replaced soon. No matter how beat up it looked, he just couldn’t get the motivation to do it. It was a good companion if he needed an extra confidence boost, an extra edge to him so he would be taken seriously.

                All of which was probably lost on Jumin when he had went to see him. He didn’t miss how the jerk had let his gaze linger on him for a while. No doubt trying to figure out how old the leather was, how cheaply made it was. No doubt sizing Zen up and taking advantage-

                The fridge door was slung open. It took a lot more willpower than it should for him not to let it crash against the wall. He stood, debating on if he should cut back on the beer tonight or tomorrow, before scoffing and grabbing a water bottle. While he didn’t let the fridge door collide with the wall, he did let it slam shut. Right as it slammed, his phone lit up. If it wasn’t for the fact that he had gotten two messages in a row, the soft chime ringing through the silent room, he would have missed it completely.

                Rushing to the couch was stupid, honestly. He could have just calmly walked over, but he needed to know who the fuck responded first. He leaned over the back of the couch and grabbed his phone, water bottle resting where the electronic had been.

_Trust Fund 10:28 PM_

_I know the difference between them, yes. It wasn’t my intention for it to come across differently. I was trying to establish some rules before you had a chance of giving a response, so you would know what to expect._

_Trust Fund 10:28 PM_

_At least, what to expect from my end._

                The first thing that tried to escape him was a groan. Of course, Jumin had to fucking answer first, not her. Was her phone off? Had Jumin barred her from messaging him tonight? Or were they just coming out of some love-making stupor after-

                Yeah. No. He couldn’t start stupid thoughts like that again.

                 He clicked his phone’s display off, walking around to properly rest against the couch. Every fiber of him wanted to fight with Jumin- To argue with him and demand him to have more respect for the woman they both loved. But… He just kept thinking about how she was curled up in his lap yesterday. Breathing softly, a bit brokenly, against his chest. Letting him ghost his lips over her forehead. Her cheeks. Almost her lips for the faintest of moments.

                _You 10:30 PM_

_Is that your way of apologizing? For sounding like a dick?_

                The reply was almost immediate, and Zen didn’t know why he was expecting differently.

                _Trust Fund 10:30 PM_

_Yes. I am sorry._

* * *

 

                Zen slept on it. Brokenly, tossing and turning, but eventually he slept on it. Jumin apologizing helped things a little. Well, that and his exhaustion fighting with the both of them. He just wanted things to go back to normal. To pretend he never admitted he still liked her to begin with.

                With a loud groan, Zen reluctantly got out of bed. He had to get ready for the day. Granted, he kind of had the day off, and before the mess with Jumin yesterday he had planned to see if he could go and visit the RFA’s sweetheart. Now the chance of that happening was looking pretty slim.

                He let himself linger in the shower a bit longer than usual. The shower steaming up as he let the hot water soak through his hand, run down his shoulders and chest, having him sigh as his muscles relaxed. For a moment, he briefly thought about trying to start off this day with a lazy shower orgasm. Just closing his eyes and pretending his smooth fingers traveling between his thighs were hers. Imagining her gentle touches trailing down his shaft, trying to gain a moan from his smirking lips…

                But then he’s thinking about how he desperately wants to hold her again, see her smile outside of sexual situations, and his erection is lost as he forces himself to finish his shower.

                It’s not long after he’s dressed in a lazy stay at home outfit that his phone starts ringing, and his heart starts up a rapid pace as he recognizes her ringtone. With a voice less suave than he wanted, he accepts the call.

                “ _Hey! Uh, hi! I wasn’t expecting you to answer_.” She fumbles over her words for a bit, and Zen’s bad mood is almost completely cleared by how cute she sounds alone.

                “Then why did you call me?” He laughs as she tries to come up with a retaliation, but it falls through. “What’s up?”

                “ _I just…I just wanted to say hi!_ ”

                Uhuh. He’s not the best when it comes to deciphering women, but he knows she wouldn’t call unless she really wanted to talk to him about something. Especially given the circumstances.

                “Just saying hi?”

                It’s quiet on her end, some shuffling, and then a small sigh.

                “ _And maybe to talk about yesterday?_ ”

                There it was. He grabs his smokes and a water bottle, making his way up to the weird balcony thing he has. No one should see him in his boxers from there, right? Most they would see was the random shirt he threw on. And if not…Well, maybe he was doing them a morning service?              

                He snorts, and then swears he can hear her pout.

                “Sorry, babe, I was thinking about something else. Did that jerk explain what he was thinking yesterday?”

                “ _A bit_ ,” More sounds from her end. He can’t place a finger on it until he heard more rustling, but it sounded as though she was on a bed. He feels heat trickling down his chest, and has to steel himself not to indulge in the daydreams that threaten him. “ _I think he’s confused about something. He…Well, he said some weird things. I think it might be stress? He’s been very tense lately. A few contracts fell through.”_

                “Stressed my ass, that man has no feelings.” The remark comes out without a second thought, and he quickly recovers. “Sorry. I forget he’s not a robot. But what he said-“

                “ _Yeah, what he said wasn’t normal. I know. We ended up having a long talk last night. About how he didn’t view me as a ‘product’. So don’t worry about that okay? He told me he was basically trying to explain some terms and conditions before you could even think about accepting what he proposed_.”

                “Oh my god.”

                “ _I know, he doesn’t word things to your liking all the time, but…This time, I kind of agree with you. I honestly don’t know what brought that up._ ” Her voice wavers a bit at the end of her sentence. “ _Are you upset? I know you get mad when he talks like that, but-_ ”

                But he doesn’t know how to talk. He doesn’t know how to phrase things better, right? He knew the excuses that would pour from her mouth, and even though he disagreed and was still a little pissed, he was so damn tired of fighting.

                “I’m fine.” He fumbles with his new cigarette package, realizing he just can’t let all of his vices go.

                “ _And not getting ready to light a cig and cuss Jumin out?_ ”

                With her teasing scold, he slowly put his lighter away and lets the cigarette hang from his lips.

                “Maybe the latter. But I’ll get over it. I’d rather try and calm down first, think about it when I’m not so annoyed.”

                “ _Are you really okay? Jaehee mentioned something about your fans acting up lately.”_

                “What?” He stopped in his tracks, groggy brain trying to catch up to her words. Fans acting up?

                Suddenly, he remembered a couple of fans of his massively harassing others on some blogs that were dedicated to him. In fact, some that even had nothing to do with him. Yeah, that mess. He couldn’t even begin to understand why they were harassing people who literally weren’t doing anything wrong. It was something he might have to get Seven to help out with, since apparently the harassers were bypassing the blocking system somehow.

                That, or reluctantly make a public post addressing it. He didn’t want to give it any more attention than it was receiving, but if Jaehee was concerned about it too, he probably needed to say something about it. Something about getting along with others, even if their views were different. Were these people really fans, even if they were harassing under the guise of ‘protecting’ him? Geez.

                “Ah, yeah, that. Just some kids arguing I guess. Some of those fans who think they’re the best? Not the kind of ‘fans’ I like. I’ll have to figure out what to do, but I’m good, sweetheart.” He cleared his throat a bit awkwardly. Barely dodged calling her something sweeter. “How are you?”

                “ _Just a little stressed, but… I’m really happy we can talk normally again_.”

                Without meaning to, he grinned. Just grinned out even though she couldn’t see it.

                “I’m happy too. I’ve missed you.” He doesn’t bother to hide the emotion in his voice, and he hears her soft giggle. “It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this.”

                “ _Yeah…_ ”

                They’re quiet on the phone for a minute. He just sips his water, having put his cigarette back in it’s box, enjoying just knowing she’s on the other side of the phone. Briefly, he remembers back when she used to call him often. Before the bomb, before the mess with V, before any other big issues came to light. Back when she was just a slightly scared woman trying to make the best of her situation.

“ _Maybe we should just let it slide. What Jumin brought up, I mean. Just let the subject fade. He said he didn’t mind us thinking about it, so I don’t think he would mind the radio silence.”_

                The slightly unpleasant memories slip away when she talks again, and he makes a note of her hesitant voice.

                “Does that mean you’re going to think about it?”

                There’s the faintest sigh as she answers.

                “ _I don’t know_.”

* * *

                The next week and a half is the best Zen has had in a long time. Practice keeps him busy, and she admits to having to do a few tasks of her own, but they manage to at least talk on the phone if they can’t meet up. If it wasn’t for the mentions of Jumin from time to time, or the glimmering sapphire on her finger, he would have mistaken their hangouts for the beginnings of a string of dates.

                Each time they meet, call, or even text, there’s no mention of the relationship Jumin proposed. There are a few moments where he wants to say something, wants to ask if she has given the idea any thoughts. Where he’s struggling to maintain the image of it never happening.

                It’s just amazing getting to see her again. See her smile, hear that adorable laugh of hers when he talks about how Jun-seo managed to mess up the set again, how she wraps both arms around his and just beams at him.

                His heart does a number on him when he notices she’s still wearing the bracelet he brought her for Christmas.

                It’s after one ‘hangout’ that he’s home, rewarding himself with a beer for not having any low thoughts during the day, when he finally gets a text from Jumin. He can see the header of the message in his notifications, beside some updates from Seven and Jaehee about his fansite issues, and he knows right off the bat he doesn’t want to open it. He doesn’t want to because he knows what it’s going to be about. What the question is before he’s seen Jumin even ask it again.

                And he hates it. He hates it so much, because his answer has been on the tip of his tongue since the night after their argument. Threatening to spill out when he sees the woman he’s so helplessly in love with, despite every insecurity he has screaming at him for being so stupid. So foolish. Because how could she return his feelings, when she belongs to someone else?

                He takes a long chug of his beer before opening Jumin’s text.

_Trust Fund 8:37 PM_

_Have you decided on an answer?_

                As he reads it, another one pops up before he can reply.

_Trust Fund 8:38 PM_

_I do need to make it clear that it is understandable for you to say no, and there will be no harsh feelings if that is the case._

                At least he’s working on sounding less pushy. And honestly, the fact that Jumin had given him such a wide window to make up his mind spoke wonders itself. Jumin Han, the supposedly insensitive robot, was starting to break that nickname further along each day.

                But… Even though Zen knows what he wants to say, it’s difficult to type it out. His heart is at his fingertips, begging for him to type it out, but his nerves are keeping his hands locked up. Unmoving, as he struggles to decide between answering, or pretending he’s busy.

                The latter sounds great…

_You 8:40 PM_

_Yeah. I’ll do it. Let’s meet tomorrow and talk it out at my place._


	7. Notes

                Hello! I’m sure this wasn’t what you guys were expecting opening this update up, but I unfortunately come with bad news. In short; I am no longer continuing this fanfic, and I am incredibly sorry to those of you that had enjoyed it.

                Longer version as to why: This fic had been in the works since around December, and the first time I had it up I had taken it down due to lack of planned plot. I originally made it because many of you enjoyed Trying Something New (And wow!! I am forever happy that you guys enjoyed it so much and wanted more!), but due to some things going down at the time, and the lack of plot, I took it down.

                Then, I brought it back because I had a plot this time! I met a friend on here after we both enjoyed each other’s stories, and she had helped me come up with a plot! At the same time, my MM Headcanons blog was becoming a bit more popular, so I was writing a lot! I was very happy to bring it up, because I did get a lot of love for this story!

                However, once I posted it back up, I started getting some harassment over this fanfic. At first, it was just someone a bit upset because they didn’t enjoy the story. Which, honestly, is something that’s okay. It’s not bad to dislike a fanfic! However, it just kept escalating, and once I ended it by shutting off anons on here, the harassment moved over to my MM blog. And well, for a few months I received a constant flow of angry and harassing messages. It ultimately came to light that this person was upset due to me apparently writing Zen out of character and that they hated Juzen in general. Something connected to their past, and they were using me to get some of their anger out.

                I tried the most logical steps. Blocking, disabling anons, and so on, but it never worked. They bypassed the blocks, got off anon, and even in one case made a throw-away account just to try and get me to stop writing this story that they just couldn’t leave alone. That they just couldn’t block me, and just ignore when this story updated.

                Believe it or not; I don’t care if someone doesn’t enjoy what I write. I don’t care if they talk about my stories with friends, and laugh about how horrible it is. The only time it bothers me is when I’m being harassed for months over it. When the person can’t just move on instead of having a fit in my inbox because I made Zen get upset that his heart was broken.

                I know I’m not a perfect writer. I know I never will be, and that I do need to work on my writing. In actuality, my writing has decreased ever since the first two MM fanfics I have posted. It’s would be a lie to say that this person constantly harassing me didn’t get to me. That it’s still getting to me, because this stuff is still happening.

                Because of all of this, I’m done writing this story. I know that it’s stupid. I’m giving a very condensed summary of what all has happened, and it’s probably not too clear, but just. I wrote this to have fun. I wrote this to make people happy, including myself, because I wanted a story where these two men finally started to get along, to understand that some people have small flaws, and to stop comparing them to people who had hurt them in the past. I wanted Zen to help Jumin with his faltering relationship with V, I wanted Zen to see that Jumin was working on becoming a better person; and for Jumin to see that Zen wasn’t completely vain or wrapped up in himself.

                 I had many, many different ideas for this story. At first it was going to have a bad end- then a good end- then an ending left to the imagination, etc etc. I went back and forth a lot of where I wanted to go, and laughably I didn’t even get to any of the stuff I wanted to write. Not even where I wanted small hints of subjects like internalized homophobia, or bigger subjects like showing that people do really stupid things for what they think is ‘love’.

                Don’t get me wrong. I’m still going to be writing. All of this hate from Zen’s ‘biggest fan’ made me lose my muse for him and Jumin. Once I get that back, I’m mainly going to be focusing on one-shot Juzen stories. Two or three chapters tops, haha, I can’t write anything longer than that unfortunately.

                I appreciate all of the support you guys have given me. All your comments always make me so happy to see! I loved making you guys happy, or excited, with this story, and with just the fact that I managed to have people who actually enjoyed my writing. I’m sorry that I have to discontinue this fanfic. I know it’s disappointing, but I hope you all at least somewhat understand my reasoning.

                As a sidenote, I really do want to express a few words that if you guys ever find a story that you dislike, just some random poorly written one, or a popular one, that you don’t stoop so low as to harass the author for months instead of just moving on. If the story is tagged with characters you don’t like, or even implications that it may turn into a ship you don’t like, or just anything like that, just move on from it. Move on, block the author if you have to, and focus on authors that you do enjoy. Give the authors you enjoy support, instead of sending a constant stream of hate to one or two that you dislike.

                Thank you all for everything.


End file.
